Bailout Deez Nutts

Unless you have literally been in a coma for the past 3 months, you've vomitted at least twice while thinking about all of the bailouts of insurance and mortgage companies that have happened in the US. The US government has been passing out bailout money like herpes is passed out at raves. Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, AIG, Citigroup, plus $700 Billion still being dished out...you'd think loans would be available at KFC with the amount of money being handed out by the fed. Yet people and small business are still having a hard time getting a loan. WTF?!?! And now we're losing hundreds of thousands of jobs a month...doesn't that just mean that more people are going to start defaulting on loans and mortgages?

I had an idea on an alternate solution to these bailouts that would help not only the horribly mismanaged companies, but also (try not to pass out)...the AMERICAN PEOPLE! That's right, I have no idea about economics, but everyone I've told this idea to has all thought it was better than this turd of a bailout plan we have now.

What makes me think I have a better bailout plan than the people in Washington who are supposed to know about economics?...because when Henry Paulson was asked how he came up with $700 Billion as the amount needed for the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008, he said he "wanted to choose a really large number." Really, Henry?...who did you consult when you decided that was the correct number to use? Corky Thatcher? If he's allowed to say that, on camera no less, and not get fired from his job, then I'm thinking this economic stuff might not be that hard after all.

So here's the gist of the plan:

• Let each person in America that has debt (credit card debt, a mortgage, a car loan...it doesn't matter), use up to $10,000 of the bailout money to pay for that debt.
• That's it.

So, I realize that it's a little more complicated than that, so here's the deal:

• Rather than buy up the bad debt directly, the government allots the $700 Billion to be dished out to the american people
• Each person that wants a slice of that sweet bailout pie will have to fill out some kind of form, saying what debt they have
• The government will then pay to the companies up to $10,000 for each person for their debt
• This will ensure that the companies that have the most need for the money (those that have more customers and therefore a bigger stake in the economy) will get it
• Henry Paulson has said that one of the reasons the bailout is taking so long to dish out is that it's hard to figure which companies need the money the most, and how much to give to them (my previous point figures that out easily)
• Paulson has also said that they haven't been keeping receipts for the money being given to companies because, apparently, he hired a roomful of monkeys to coordinate this bailout...people filling out forms to get the money is essentially keeping receipts for them
• So, eventually, the $700 Billion is still filtered to the companies, and now the American people at least have something to show for it
• Oh yeah, and if you don't have any debt and you're pissed because this plan does nothing for you...then you can Bailout Deez Nutts! I don't feel bad for you.

Please let me know why this plan wouldn't work...because if everyone agrees that this would work, and no one in Washington even thought about this as a possibility, then I'm way more worried about this country than I thought I was.

Alternate Bailout Plan: $700 Billion worth of Volcano Tacos from Taco Bell...It wouldn't help the economy, but at least it would be delicious.

Another Thought: Anyone else dissappointed a little that Barack Obama voted for this mess of a bailout? I mean, I know he had to (politics and everything), but he had to realize this bailout was f'd in the a.

Just Clarifying: I voted for Obama.